My mom passed away 6 months ago today.
I’ve thought about this day. I’ve thought about what it would be like when my mom had been gone for 6 months. I guess I thought, or hoped, that it would be some magical point where grief gets easier.
It turns out its true. It is easier.
Or maybe it’s just that this balmy, sunny June day felt like it had very little to do with that cold December day 6 months ago. This anniversary is a marker, a sign on the road to show how far we’ve come. The only connection is the one we give it.
The memories of her painful and difficult end of her life, they have become less vivid. They don’t haunt me like they did at first. I remember her now in better times.
I send love her way. I tell her my stories while I garden and do dishes and wash chubby baby fingers.
I have finally set down the trauma of that time.
But I still miss her. I still think of things I want to tell her and text her. I do it less now, but I still do it.
I’ve realized what a hole is left in my life without her. I have a very full life, but she was my touchstone each and every day. My entire life long. It was rare for me to not talk to her at all in a day, ever. I didn’t realize this missing piece at first. I couldn’t see it until the dust settled. It makes me realize how much I miss having someone to talk to during the day. We always made time for that.
So tonight, after the end of a very long day, Steve and I drove out to the cemetery, right down the road from my house a few miles. It’s lovely out there, and lovelier still for the green and the temperature. I felt far away we are from that cold December day that I had to say goodbye.
I’m glad for the growing time in between.