A Year Without My Mom

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I’ve been thinking back about my mom. It’s been almost a year since she died, and the weather and the start of Christmas and Thanksgiving and all of it reminds me of her. And how even though I saw it all coming, it still managed to shake me so completely that she was gone.

The thing about looking back is that it’s really only helpful briefly. We have a tendency to give our pasts (both the good and bad parts) a lot of weight and importance. And it’s good to reflect, to learn from our past, to give it space and respect and reverence or whatever it deserves. The problem starts when we set up shop and start to live there. This seems especially common with the death of loved ones.

We wrap ourselves up in the memories of those we lost, like some warm cozy blanket. And for a moment it is all warm and cozy, but only until we remember that the past is all wrapped up into one. The jagged, pointy, barbed-wire part of our past is still in there too. And still hurts.

But we reason that at least the hurt reminds us of the one we lost, and so we stay wrapped up in our cozy-spiky blanket of the past, not realizing that there is a whole world we’re missing  that is going on RIGHT NOW but that we’ll never see or find this from our blanket.

It’s hard not to do this. Grief is a process, just like life is a process. But I don’t want to lie around in that blanket anymore. Mom wouldn’t want me to either.

There is this stupid app called Timehop. Have you heard of it? I shouldn’t call it stupid because I actually really like it. It’s always felt harmless, fun and sweet, and I thought it would bring nothing but good memories to enrich my life. It’s like the Facebook Memories thing, only Timehop did it first, so I’ve had it running on my phone for years. I see cool old photos and blog posts and where I was at and how far I’ve come. But then the damn thing updated and changed the settings and thus started to include old text messages that live on my phone. From my mom, cause that’s who I texted mostly. Messages from my mom. That’s what Timehop, and technology in general, started sending me.

At first, this was maybe August or September when it changed, the messages were welcome. She bought pumpkin cream cheese for Steve and a coloring book for Brice and a hat for Lincoln. The message were sweet because they were ours,  just setting up rides for her or visits, conveying our days and lives. Lots of “I love you’s”. So many “I love you’s”.

So I let the messages stay. But I knew what was coming. I knew she was going to fall on October 11th  and break her pelvis and that I would find a message that she needed help. I knew that it was coming but I didn’t shut the messages off.

Because, how could I? My mom’s last words to me every morning when I woke up. Like a gift, but with barbed wire inside waiting to show up.

Because now, looking back to a year ago this week, the messages are just really, really sad. Just heartbreaking. And this icy morning and the cold and everything suddenly feels so much like that time. Only she’s been gone almost a year and I don’t want it to feel so close anymore. I don’t want to remember the, “Dropped buzzer and can’t breathe. Call nurse for help?” anymore. I don’t want to keep reliving her death, but it’s hard not to. Even without the messages, it would be hard not to.

My calendar for this weekend said “No matter how hard the past, you can begin again.” I love the Buddhist proverbs for their simplicity. Not easy, but simple, nonetheless.

I will always miss my mom. This I know now. This will be a truth for the remainder of my days. Our parents bring us to life and then show us our own mortality in their passing. The show us the way.

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But I don’t always have to think about the bad parts though. I don’t actually have to think about that at all. I choose it, just as I choose to think of happy memories. Or to try to focus my thoughts on my current moments or some happy thoughts of the future. It’s up to me. I don’t have to let my thoughts run wild like a toddler.

So here’s what I did today instead:

I wrote to all of you about it. Because it’s the keeping it all in that gives our sad and heart-achy thoughts their power.

Then I changed the  settings for the Timehop app on my phone so that I don’t get old messages anymore. I don’t want it to keep bringing it back, and though I didn’t invite it, I was letting it in.

Then I made salt dough handprints with the boys. Because my mom did that with me, and it seemed a much nicer way to remember her.

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How We Treat Our Poor and Elderly

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I’ve written a lot about my mom in the past year. This past weekend was the 1 year anniversary of her pelvic fracture and I’ve been thinking of her more, and about how it felt like I lost so much of my mother in that moment.

It’s the smell of the autumn and the crunch of leaves underfoot and the quality of light. But it’s also how she appears in my life as her subscription to Family Circle, dropped right into my mail slot because I forwarded her mail here after she passed. She comes to mind as Lincoln totes around the bear she gave him, his favorite thing in this world, which he cannot sleep without. I think of her sitting on my porch with the kid’s right after we moved into this amazing house, and having dinner in our dining room before Georgia left for college. These thoughts I welcome. They make her feel closer and I feel more at peace.

But what is not peaceful at all has been the past 9 months that I’ve been trying to settle my mother’s “estate.” It’s a funny term to use for my mom, as she had no property, no vehicle or boats or RV’s. She had no stocks or bonds or savings. She had a few hundred dollars to her name in her checking account at the time of her death. She survived for 10 years on SSI and Disability, and received less than $900 per month. She had $5000 in burial insurance that she carefully paid into for years. But the Estate Recovery of Wisconsin for Medicaid and Badgercare Plus seems to find my mother interesting. Although it’s rumored they find everyone living in such poverty so interesting. Ironic, no?

But what makes me sad, what I have not written about, is how their interest feels pretty insulting, since I could not get a single person to help me or listen while she my mother was alive. While she was suffering. And dying. Then, no one cared about being, “thorough.”

It seems that these thoughts and feelings that we don’t say (at least for me) turn into wrecking balls if we hide them away. And as much as it might be easier to avoid the sad stories in our lives, there is no other way to shed light into the darkness than to do the telling.

So here is the story, told in the letter I wrote to the folks at the State of Wisconsin who want to know where my mom’s 1987 Honda Civic went to.

And in advance, this is sad. Just so you know. It’s sad. But I think it’s a story needs to be told.

RE: Estate of Patricia Roth

Dear Estate Recovery for Wisconsin Medicaid and Badgercare Plus,

Each time I receive a letter from your office regarding my mother’s estate, I’ve called in to verify what I need to supply you with. Each time, I’m told by whomever answers the call that this is all being done in the name of “thoroughness.” So in that respect, I am going to tell you what I remember in as much detail as possible, in the hopes that I may satisfy this matter for you.  It is traumatic to keep reliving the details of my mother’s death for you over and over.

The only reason that I even decided to settle my mother’s estate with the state of Wisconsin is that my daughter Georgia Roth had a minor savings account attached to my mom’s bank account. My mother set it up for her when Georgia was a young teen, as a way to help teach her to save her babysitting and spending money. There was never much money there, probably always less than $100 and certainly less than that at the time of my mother’s death. We were told after my passed away that my daughters account would remain open, vulnerable to all kinds of fraud, able to negatively affect her credit score, and unreachable to my daughter if we chose not to settle my mother’s very meager “estate.” Though I was told by numerous friends and colleague that attempting to close a person’s account when that person lived in poverty and on government assistance was “torture,” and “not worth the hell they put you through,” I assumed since my mother was so very poor for so many years, and proved it so very often, that this would be a simple process. How wrong I was.

For a little history, my mother had a heart attack when she was 54-years-old. The heart attack was misdiagnosed for over a week by 3 physicians, so by the time she was admitted to the hospital, her mitral valve was damaged beyond repair. Her heart was too weak to remove the angioplasty balloon without her bleeding out, so it was left in for nearly a week, hoping her heart would gain more function. Three months later she was healthy enough for bypass surgery and a replacement of her mitral valve. She was given a mechanical valve and was put on blood thinners for life to keep her blood thin enough to pass through the artificial heart valve. My mother recovered some, but never fully. The highest heart function she ever registered after that was 43%. Through those years my mother endured numerous internal bleeds, bleeding from the gums and severe nose bleeds. She had many bouts with pneumonia and various forms of Influenza and was hospitalized many, many times. Her rheumatoid arthritis was so bad that her legs visibly bowed. She had large blood clots in her legs that they could not safely remove. Through all these 15 years, I took care of my mother, for most of those years in my home. It was only about 6 years ago that life with small children in the home proved too difficult for my mother and we decided semi-assisted senior living was better for her. I was still her caregiver, her chauffer, her nurse and the only person she could rely on. For most of the years, I was a single mom working 2 jobs because for many years my mom was not considered sick enough for disability, though there was nothing she could do to improve her physical health and she couldn’t walk around a block. And someone had to take care of her, and that someone has been me. For 15 years.

In answer to your most recent set of questions, in the order that you asked:

1…. New York Life is the company that my mother had her burial insurance with. She paid into that insurance for years in hopes to not straddle myself and my husband with the majority of her burial expenses, though I cannot tell you how often or how much she paid. I do know that we found her current bill was due as we were packing up her room to move her to a new nursing home. She was not treated well at the Golden Living Center in Beaver Dam, as proven by her very extensive bedsores that were found when she was transferred on the day before she died. She asked me to pay the bill for her through her account as soon as I could. To the best of my recollection of something from nearly a year ago, I paid it on the evening of December 3rd, online, after I got her moved into her new nursing home in Randolph. Mostly I remember making sure to pay it for her on December 3rd because she was concerned about it and it needed to be paid immediately.

2… The ATM withdrawal of $400 was for some clothing my mother needed, but mostly for the Christmas gifts she had picked out and asked me to order. From my best recollection, I used the ATM later in the day on December 3rd, but I do not recall the exact time. What I do know is that the week before her death, my mother asked me to help her find Christmas gifts for her 4 grandchildren, my brother and his fiancé, as well as my husband and myself. Though the nursing home claimed that all residents had access to Wi-Fi, we were never able to get it to work so my mother was unable to search the internet herself. And at this point, she was so weak that it was difficult for her to even hold up her phone for more than a minute or two. So I made a list of the kind of gifts that she had in mind for everyone. I went online at home and found some options for her, then I took photos with my phone of the gifts that I found online that I thought might fit her requests. I brought my phone to my mother’s nursing home and we sat together looking at the choices I had for her. She picked the gifts she felt suited everyone, and though she kept calling them Christmas gifts, the gifts she chose were meaningful and personal for each of us. Necklaces with quotes, meaningful toys for the littlest grandkids. They were her last gifts to us and she asked me to order them for her. My mother was afraid to buy things from online stores so she asked me do this for her with my own account and she would pay me back. This was how she bought anything online for years, whether she needed diabetic socks or a new cold air mask for winter. She was afraid of her money being stolen so she asked us for her help. I totaled up the gifts for her, but then she realized that she had forgotten gifts for my brother’s fiancé and my husband, so the total was close to $250.00 when all was said and done with shipping. I have included some text messages between my mother and myself that shows we were working on these gifts together. She understood that the cost of the gifts but she asked me to take $400 out of her account for myself to help pay for the clothes that I had just bought her that week. I purchased her 8 pairs of pants and 12 pairs of underwear and a zip up fleece jacket, because she was always so cold even in sweatshirts or sweaters and asked for a warm jacket with a zipper that she could wear inside the nursing home. I do not have a receipt for this purchase, because I was constantly purchasing things for my mother at this time because she was bedridden. The nursing home requested items for her, and my mother asked for what she needed and I bought them for her. I was not expecting to be reimbursed by my mother, just as I helped her for many years without expecting that. The clothing items that I had bought her that week totaled more than $200, but I did not tell her that. She insisted I take $400 out of her account to help cover all of the expenses she knew we had been covering. (My mother needed 4 sets of clothing after her injury and before her death, because of losing 25 pounds, but also because of her losing control of her bladder and bowels by then.) I did all of her laundry because the nursing home admitted a tendency to lose patient clothing, so when my mom’s clothing became too soiled and smelly, or too big for her shrinking body again, I bought her more. I never asked her for any money for the things that I bought because the last thing I wanted was for my mother to worry about money. My husband and I were happy to supply her with what she needed. The only reason I took out the $400 is that she insisted for numerous days before her death that I take the money that I spent on her that week. As I said, I spent much more on her even that week, but I took out $400 like she asked me to. I am enclosing receipts for the gifts that I bought online. I paid $25 to a pet rescue shelter in LaCrosse, which is what my sister in law requested as her gift. I have no recollection of the name of that company or the method in which I paid for it, but I donated the money as asked. My mother asked me to buy my husband an antique punch bowel that he has mentioned to her, but this was purchased at a local antique store for $25. I don’t have receipts from this either. It never occurred to me that I would need them. My mother was alive and asked me to help her buy Christmas presents, so I did. I don’t know why the ATM withdrawal says December 4th, because as I recall it was on December 3rd.

3… Colonels Cab Rent. I have no idea why money would be taken out of my mother’s account on December 4th to a cab company. My mother was bedridden at a nursing home since October 11th until her death, and she required medical and ambulance transport with support staff whenever she was being moved anywhere. The earliest she would’ve last used a public cab would’ve definitely been prior to her fall and broken pelvis on October 11th. Although she did use the cab at times before this injury, she mostly relied on myself, my daughter, my husband, and the occasional friend, for rides when she needed to go to the doctor or the store. I wish I could tell you more about this withdrawal, but I have no idea why it would be taken out of my mother’s account. As I have stated numerous times in this ongoing process of examining my mother’s financials, my mother was in charge of her own accounts and I was merely acting for her when she asked because she was physically incapacitated.

4… Bayshore Apartments is where my mother lived. The withdrawal on December 4th was taken out to pay for her rent, just as it was taken out automatically early each and every month since she moved into that apartment. I can only use my best reasoning, though I certainly can’t ask her or verify it for you, but I would assume that this bill got paid because my mother was not planning on dying that night and thus would not have cancelled the automatic withdrawal. I’m just guessing, but I’d think she was hoping she would have a place to live should she survive.

My mother fell and broke her pelvis on October 11th, 2014. My oldest child was moving away that very week to a prestigious musical theater college in New York City, which required extensive preparation and time to accomplish. My barely 18-year-old daughter ended up flying to college in NYC alone, because I couldn’t leave my mom. We had also just closed and moved into a very large old home two weeks earlier, in the end of September of 2014. So I was still unpacking and getting organized, having dryer vents put in and a new dishwasher installed. Trimming bushes so that we could park in the driveway.

I have 4 children. My oldest was 18 years at the time of my mother’s injury on October 11th. My youngest was not yet 5 months old. I also had a 16-year-old brand new driver and a 4-year-old who had just started 4K. My husband works in an office in downtown Milwaukee and commutes 3 hours each day to our home in Beaver Dam. This particular time in my life that you continue to question me about was the busiest, most stressful and most traumatizing of my entire life. I was breastfeeding a very small baby full-time, promoting my first novel that had just been published a few months earlier, and I had deadlines as both a freelance journalist and professional theater photographer. All of this along with caring for my recently very ill mother that no one believed was wasting away before my eyes.

I have done my best to supply you with the information you’ve requested, but most of my time then was spent going from contractors for home repairs to babies in need of nursing to visiting my mother and caring for her apartment, her cat and her needs every day, as well as the needs of all my children. I had a mile long to-do list each day and I plugged through it. Whatever didn’t get done got added to the next list. A paper list that I carried around in my pocket everywhere I went so I could stay on track in the madness. It was by far the most hectic and difficult time of my life. Still, the state of Wisconsin seems to continue to ask me to relive it. So I am telling you all of this with as much detail as I can, in hopes that it will finally satisfy you that my mother died as poverty-stricken as she lived. It’s interesting how much the state cares so much now in the name of thoroughness, because the only answer I ever got when she was alive was that no one could help her.

Through my mother’s last 7 weeks on this earth, she was bedridden at the Golden Living Center in Beaver Dam. She was given pain pills regularly because of the pain from the broken pelvis, as well as the lung cancer, and her health declined as the days and weeks went on. I contacted everyone that I could, trying to get her more help. She couldn’t breathe. Her stats were terrible. No one listened, or seemed to care. She was just an old women with no money that they were going to let die.

She was not seen by a doctor for over a week after her pelvic fracture and the nurses at the nursing home merely followed the ER doctor’s instructions for temporary care. She was not given her normal medications since no one was in charge, it seemed. I called everyone I could think of during that week, trying to get her help. Her regular doctor didn’t have privileges at Golden Living Center so she just wasn’t seen. I was told to call her case worker, to call varying offices and numbers, all with, “the State of Wisconsin,” in the name. I got passed from office to office, person to person. It seemed that no one knew how to help her. I got passed along for 7 full days with no answers.  She was finally seen by a doctor 8 days after her injury. I have to wonder how this outcome could’ve been different if someone was in charge of making sure my severely ill elderly mother got to see a doctor sooner. But as it turns out, that was the one and only time my mother was seen by a doctor while she resided at Golden Living Center in Beaver Dam. One other time, after I insisted numerous times that certain labs and blood work be done for my mother, and she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, where they removed 16 ounces of fluid in her lungs and found she was severely anemic. Just as I had suspected and fought to have her tested for. But without me calling and begging and pleading, everyone was fine with her suffering and not being seen or cared for.

Through the last 7 weeks of my mother’s life, I spent hours on the telephone trying to improve the quality of her life. The nursing home dropped and broke her teeth, so she was unable to eat very much of anything after that. I took to purchasing and bringing her soft foods, making her pudding and oatmeal and soups. I brought her almond milk and chocolate milks and coconut water and juices. Anything to get calories into her. Because no one else seemed concerned that she lost 25 pounds in the 7 weeks she was there. Again, I could go no one to listen.

The thing about the poverty-stricken elderly is that it seems no one cares about them. And they are often too sick and too weak to speak for themselves. I screamed from the hilltops as an advocate for my mom, fighting for medical transports and someone to pay attention that she was not being seen or checked on by a physician. That she couldn’t breathe. Always, I was referred to call a place that started with “State of Wisconsin” just like it states on the top of the letters that you keep sending to me. I was told they had to approve it or find a doctor or decide if she was in terminal care or temporary care. I had to call constantly about her therapy and her insurance. Her doctor that never came to see her. And then, hospice. This was a constant, daily occurrence. While my mother was alive and suffering, I couldn’t get a soul from this state to care or do anything. Apparently the dying don’t have a department in charge of being thorough with their actual physical care. But now that she’s dead, there is much interest in her 29-year-old car and why she paid rent for the month that she died. It’s an interesting comparison, at the very least.  Something that, as a journalist, makes me want to show the world how terribly wrong we are doing it when it comes to our old and dying poor. The research I’ve been doing shows that this is more normal than exception. That no one cares for those that are dying in poverty, merely the money they might leave behind. It seems so satirical to me, since the poor (by definition) don’t have money.

My mother was a 68-year-old disabled woman who survived on food stamps and state medical assistance for many years, meaning that she repeatedly proved her level of poverty to the state of Wisconsin many times over during that period. At least 2 to 4 times per year for 10 years straight since she got on disability, she provided copies of bills and her bank account statements.  I am unsure of what exactly you are looking to uncover here in my mother’s estate, but I assure you that mother died with a lot less money than what would even cover her funeral expenses that I paid for. You have documented proof of that, actually. A check from myself and my husband to the Koepsell Funeral Home for nearly $3,000. That does not even account for the grave marker that I have yet to even purchase.

I appreciate you being through. I realize that it’s your job. I just wish someone could’ve been 1/10th as thorough with my mother while she was suffering and struggling to breathe and unable to keep food down for the months until her death. I wish THAT was someone’s job. And I wish that I could lay my mother to rest now, rather than kicking up her ghost while I list off the memories of her hardest time, digging through our precious text messages so you can see receipts of her wishes, to show the State of Wisconsin, again, how little money my mom had. And how much money and time and energy my husband and I spent trying to save her. To attempt to make her more comfortable. And then to bury and honor her in the way we ALL deserve.

I sincerely hope that this matter is closed and settled. As much as I have been a willing and helpful participant in settling my mother’s estate for her, I feel I’ve reached my limit of what I remember or can help you with. I can think of no real reason this case is taking up so much time and state resources, especially since my mother proved so many times in her life that she was extremely poor.

In all honestly, re-opening the wounds of my mother’s death every couple months in the name of your research on an obviously impoverished woman is starting to feel more like emotional harassment than thoroughness.

I have listed off here for you every detail that I can remember from that time, in hopes that it will be enough for you, finally, and you will allow me to set this down now and let my mother rest in peace.

Best,

Michelle Roth Baade

  1. P.S. I have enclosed a photo of my mother that I took on Halloween of 2014 where she is pictured with my youngest child, Lincoln. I would like this photo included in her file, to show that she was a person, a human being who was full of even joy in the darkest of times. I’d like her face to go along with your records. Thank you.

A Little More Homework

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“…I’ve been looking in the back of the book for the answers

Hoping the bell wouldn’t chime.

I’m not ready to put down my pencil just yet.

There are too many answers that I didn’t get.

I need a little less pressure

and a little more time.

I am trying to follow

I am trying to lead.

I am trying to learn what is true.

I’m trying to be what you want and I need

but we all have

a little more homework to do.”

We played this song at my mom’s funeral, because it fit her in so many ways. She was someone who gave people the benefit of the doubt, and a lot of space to be who they were because she believed that we are all works in progress. And this was the last song that she saw the girls perform in our high school auditorium. That was back in August, the closing number of the FOG show. After so many dozens and dozens of times that we sat in that auditorium together over the years watching the girls grow up one performance at a time, that was the final time. The last song. I was holding her hand and we were all crying, Steve included. It was Georgia’s last performance on that stage before she headed off to NYC for school. It was the final number of the first show that Georgia ever directed. It felt like a big moment. I remember that so clearly. I felt like a wreck for reasons that I didn’t fully understand in that moment.

So the song has lots of meaning already. I listen to it whenever it shuffles through on my music player (we bought some music to play in the background at my mom’s visitation. A funeral playlist, my girls called it. Sigh.) I realize the song means more now than just those memories. It’s interesting how time and space can give us so many ways to look at something.

The end of my mom’s life was hard. She was in pain and sick and suffering for the last 2 months of her life. She was having a pretty hard time before that, too. But those last months, I spent so much time going to see her in the nursing home. Taking her what she needed, brushing her hair and trying to help find foods she could eat. Paying her bills, making sure her medications were right. But mostly, watching her die. I knew that she wasn’t going to make it, even though nearly everyone had their hopes up. But I didn’t. She’d been talking about dying and her wishes for when she passed in detail for quite a while before she fell and broke her pelvis. I knew when it happened that we were in the final part of her life. We had reached the back of the book.

And that is how it felt, like I was trying to gleam some closure from that time, as if there had to be some answer there if this horrific thing was going to take my mother and make her suffer. But I didn’t see it, and time was running out.

I spent that time trying to follow her lead and let her feel what she was feeling, trying to take the lead and keep her spirits up and do everything that needed to be done. And then, when it was clear she was dying, trying to openly talk with her about that, since no one else really could handle her talking about her death except myself and my daughter Holly. And the dying need to have their say, I’ve found. Even if it’s just to talk out loud without saying much of anything except to acknowledge it all.

So I spent that time trying to be strong for her, telling her it was okay. Trying to figure out what the hell to do and how to make sure her wishes were followed. This is easier said than done with the current system we have set up for the dying elderly in nursing homes. To say they are cast off to die out of sight is an understatement. So I jumped through hoop after hoop and wished I had more time to spend with my mom and less on the phone screaming to get doctors or hospice or insurance to listen. Two months have passed since she died, and I realize now that my shoulders were pretty much attached to my ears during time, in a constant state of stress and anxiety. And how death, as sad and terrible and frightening as it was, turned out to be a relief.

I went out to my mom’s grave today. It’s her 69th birthday. The entrance to the cemetery wasn’t plowed so I just parked on the road and looked at where she was buried. I figured it was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to go stand there in the bitter cold in a spot where she isn’t and be sad. She told me that so many times. Don’t stand around feeling sad at some cemetery. I won’t be there. I’ll be with you, always. I have to believe her, and believe that she blocked that drive on purpose. So I told her happy birthday, I let myself have a minute to be sad and I turned my van around to go on with my day. I will make her favorite dinner for my family tonight. We’ll have cake and celebrate her life.

I still struggle that there has to be answer in all of this. We all try to avoid death so completely, as if getting too close may rub off on us and we’d rather just indefinitely dodge the inevitable.

But if there is something to be found in the back of the book, it seems to me that watching a parent die is a glimpse. We are all mortal. We have limited time here to live our lives. How do we want to live them? What are we doing with our day? Right here, right now, since that’s all we have anyway. And of course, the not-so-subtle reminder that we in fact have a life. And we should not stand around some lonely place feeling sad over what is gone. We should go out and live our lives.

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Happy Birthday Mom! I hope there is cake.

On turning 40

ImageApparently I turned 40 today.

This shouldn’t be a surprise, but it kind of was. I mean, I knew my birthday was coming up, mostly because I love birthdays. They are the one day when everyone is polite enough to be nice to you. But mostly, it’s about celebrating our lives and I’m a firm believer that we should just flat out do more of that.

But with a brand new baby (and recovering from that cause I’m obviously not 22 anymore), and my oldest graduating high school and having a bunch of concerts and events, plus family coming to town and about a million other things in the past month, I was distracted. So I kind of figured we wouldn’t really do much for my birthday this year, which was fine since a nice dinner out with a nursing newborn seemed less than fun. But then I woke up one night to feed Lincoln and it just hit me. I’m turning 40! I honestly hadn’t thought about it in many months.

If I’m going to follow the norms of this society, then here is where I’m supposed to be writing all about how traumatic it is to turn 40. I’m supposed to talk about how I can’t run anymore because of a degenerative hip problem, or how I have wrinkles, and soft parts that don’t get firm no matter what exercises I do. Or how I’m so much closer to death and this is the end of my youth, or something like that.

But I’m not going to do that, because really, turning 40 is not a bad thing to me.

We live in this world that values perfection. Smooth flawless skin. Thinness. Attractiveness. Energy and ability. And we equate these qualities with youth. These are all nice things, and certainly I understand the desire to look and feel our best. But I think we take this to such an extreme and get so concerned with our own aging process and mortality that we forget that we are still alive. If your heart is beating and you are breathing and aware enough to have such concerns, then you are still alive. And you can stress yourself out about how you look or feel, or what number represents you this year, or you can be thankful for your life. It’s that simple.

And 40 or 22 or 108… they are just numbers. They may signify something or be special in some way, but really, they are just a representation. They have no more meaning than what we give them. Like all things, we can use them in good ways or bad.

So yes, I’m not as young as I was. Childbirth has taken me longer to recover from. I have wrinkles and grey hairs that weren’t there before….

But you know what? I’m also wiser. Wise enough to know that life is not a race anyway. And the wrinkles and grey hairs and the number 40? I guarantee that I’ve earned them, so they can stay.